Light at the End: What Caregiving Taught Me About Life
Guest Post
By: Cameron Von St. James
The Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance
For most families, the winter holidays are a time of celebration. When Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around each year, we look forward to spending the days with our loved ones, especially when you have a newborn baby girl. November 21, 2005 should have been like any other day spent shopping and gearing up for the holidays, but for me and my wife, Heather, that date marks one of the darkest we’ll ever see. Heather was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma. Our three-month-old daughter Lily would spend her first Christmas in the same cloud of chaos in which we now found ourselves.
Heather’s journey would be a long and taxing one, but for my own part, I had also been thrust into the role of caregiver without a clue what I was doing. How do you take care of the love of your life while she’s suffering on a daily basis? I knew before we left the hospital on the day of her diagnosis that I would be making crucial decisions that would affect our family forever. Our doctor gave us three options: We could visit a university hospital locally, a good hospital in the region that lacked a mesothelioma program or Dr. David Sugarbaker in Boston, who specializes in mesothelioma treatment. As I looked at my wife, panic and doubt creeping into her eyes as she sat in stunned silence, I knew then that I would be her caregiver. The reality hit me in a way the doctor’s words never could. We were going to have to make drastic changes, and I was going to be making the primary decisions. I told the doctor, “Get us to Boston!” It would be the first of a thousand crucial decisions I would have to help make.
Facing this cancer was like nothing we had ever experienced. Heather had to leave her job, and as the caregiver, I took on the dual role of primary breadwinner and stay-at-home spouse. I ran errands, took care of Lily, spent time with my wife during her treatments and appointments in Boston and tried to hold our world together in the midst of chaos. For two months after the diagnosis, our world burst at the seams. I struggled with a mix of fear, guilt and fatigue. Stretched beyond my limits, I broke down one night on the kitchen floor, weeping uncontrollably at everything that had happened and everything we still had to do. But I pulled myself together and found strength in knowing that my wife needed me. Our family needed me to be strong. Heather was facing the toughest battle of her life, and I wouldn’t let her see me break.
Even though our world had come crumbling down, we found hope in friends, family and even total strangers. They helped shoulder the burden of this crisis, and I can never thank them enough. My advice as a caregiver to those suffering right now: accept the help that’s offered. You might not think you need it, but even small acts of kindness will help alleviate your suffering and take one less thing off of your very full plate.
Life isn’t easy on normal days, and when you’re a caregiver to someone suffering through a devastating disease, then life can be intolerable. But unlike school or your job, you can’t quit when times get tough. You have to get stronger. Illnesses can be strong, but you can fight it. Just make sure you let yourself off the hook from time to time. My kitchen floor breakdown was cathartic and necessary. We’re strong, but we’re not robots. Tap into every source you have to find light in the darkness. Never stop fighting.
Seven years later, Heather is cancer-free. She experienced surgery, chemotherapy, radiation treatments and endless doctor’s appointments to battle her mesothelioma, and she came out victorious. On that cold pre-holiday day in November 2005, we could never have imagined how our lives would change. But we came through to the other side stronger and better for the fight.
Nothing prepares you for life as a caregiver. I learned so many things that changed my entire perspective. On the practical side, perseverance in the face of great odds has prepared me for the future. Two years after we found out that Heather had cancer, I went back to school and completed my college degree. On the emotional side, you can learn a lot by being a caregiver. Asking for help is a show of humility rather than weakness. Hope conquers all fears and demons. These are lessons I want to share and lessons I hope you’ll take to heart. There is light at the end of the tunnel and hope to be found. You can succeed if you try, and you’ll accomplish more than you thought possible.
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Cameron is husband to Heather Von St. James, survivor advocate for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance, and father to Lily Rose. He, along with Heather and young Lily, had their world’s turned upside down when Heather was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma, just 3 1/2 months after the birth of his only child. When faced with the very real possibility of raising Lily on his own, he fought alongside Heather in her battle with mesothelioma. It was his determination and refusal to compromise on doctors or treatments that led them to Boston to receive radical surgery from esteemed mesothelioma surgeon, David Sugarbaker. Heather continues to thrive 7 years later.
Through out the next few years, while being a caregiver to Heather and dad to Lily, Cameron returned to school full time to finish his degree. He worked full time, went to school full time and graduated with high honors at the top of his class in June of 2010 with a Bachelors of Science in Information Technology. He was soon offered a position at US Bank as Network Analyst and continues to pursue his career.
Like Heather, Cameron is passionate about bringing awareness to mesothelioma and the dangers of asbestos exposure. It is his hope that sharing his story will help others those battling cancer and their caregivers who provide them care and guidance in their journey.
Learn more about The Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance.
